The Mind Is Resilient, It’s the Body That Fails
I can remember back in 2007 when I had surgery to remove a par ovarian cyst from one of my ovaries. I was out of surgery and the nurses were transporting me to my room. There were about three nurses trying to assist me to get from the stretcher to the bed. They were literally trying to lift me up and over onto the bed. I remember thinking to myself, do these people think I’m handicapped? LOL… Then I said out loud, “no it’s okay I can scoot myself from the stretcher to the bed by myself, please just help me to sit up”. Then, I went for it with all my strength and I wasn’t even able to lift my butt off the stretcher. I thought to myself how is this even possible… in my mind I know I could do it and I had the will to do it, but my body wasn’t haven’t it.
Fast-forward eleven years later and once again I am facing the realities of my body trying to fail me. In 2017, I went to the doctor because I was feeling extremely weak, chronic hives, heavy menstrual bleeding with excruciating pain and not feeling like myself. They ran some basis blood tests and my doctor told me that my red blood cells count was below normal and I am anemic. My doctor also sent me for a pelvic ultra sound and later on for an MRI of my uterus. That’s when I was diagnosed with multiple uterine fibroid. I’ve been so anemic (low hemoglobin – red blood cells that transport oxygen to your body) that I almost had to get a blood transfusion in the ER. To this day I remember the worried and helpless look on my moms face who was there with me. The last thing I wanted was donor blood. Luckily with the IV treatments I received, my hemoglobin levels went back up just above the minimum requirement for a blood transfusion. To make a long story short, I am scheduled to have laparoscopy surgery in June to remove the fibroids (I can’t wait!)
Being constantly fatigue and taking off a lot of days from work because of horrendous pain has taken it’s toll on me physically, mentally, and spiritually. I’ve had periods of shock and numbness, denial, anger, and intense indescribable physical pain. I’ve taken care of loved ones who were chronically sick before. I saw how they changed from the loving, happy individuals they were because of sickness and disease. For me it’s hard because I don’t like the unknown and I like being independent. Also, always having to explain to your loved ones and friends that you don’t feel well and not like yourself is completely draining. Sometimes I feel like Charlie Brown (Wap, wap, wap) telling my loved ones the same old story about my chronic symptoms. I find myself holding back a lot of information from my loved ones just because I don’t want them to worry.
On top of being anemic and dealing with multiple uterine fibroids, I recently started experiencing scary heart palpitations. It feels like my heart has an extra beat at times. When the palpitations occur the only thing I can think about is my heart. It literally feels like my heart stops beating for about 2 seconds and then boom it releases the blood and I feel this deep thump in my chest. I’ve been to two Cardiologist within four months and they have ran numerous test and scans on my heart and diagnosed me with Premature ventricular contractions (PVCs). PVCs are extra heartbeats that disrupt your regular heart rhythm and are common. I’ve had non-stop PVCs so bad that I just curl up in a ball, say a prayer and cry myself to sleep. It seems like the only time I get relief is when I’m sleeping. I was prescribed beta-blockers for the PVCs but the side effects of the drug don’t out weigh the benefit, so I’ve started doing my research on natural supplements like Magnesium that can help tremendously.
My last visit to the Cardiologist he examined my neck and discovered that my thyroid was enlarged. After undergoing a neck ultrasound I was diagnosed with multinodular goiter (about 5 nodules on my thyroid). I’m scheduled to have a follow up with my doctor to have a biopsy done on the masses.
Illness is a drag, no doubt about it. But I find that humor and pleasure are incredibly healing. So I try to surround myself with positive people that love and support me. I can be bitter about my illness, or I can choose to use it as a catalyst for growth. It can be difficult to see God’s hand in my pain. But I can be confident that, in Christ, there is always hope for my future.
My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever. – PSALMS 73:26